Have you ever been completely horrible to someone? Talked behind their back, said stuff about them?
I’m not horrible to people’s faces, but I can say really mean things. And then later I feel completely horrible about it. I make up hypotheticals and wonder what I would or say if they heard what I said. Then I feel more horrible. It just keeps going round and round in a circle.
The thing is, about talking behind someone’s back, when you regret what you say, and you wish you could take it back, and you can’t believe you could let such nasty things come out of your mouth, how do you forgive yourself?
Who do you apologise to? How can you apologise?
Do you apologise to the person you were bitching with? That wouldn’t work, they were just listening to you and it doesn’t really affect them too much. (Or so I would hope)
Do you apologise to the person you were bitching about? That wouldn’t work either. Because then you would have to tell them what you said and hurt them. And then you would just look mean and nasty because you’re trying to make yourself look better by ‘apologising’ when in fact you’re just telling someone horrible stuff to their face.
Do you apologise to yourself? How would that work? I find it so hard to forgive myself for some of the stuff I’ve said because it isn’t about me, it’s about someone else and their feelings.
How do you forgive yourself?
I’ve decided, instead of having to deal with this aftermath of being a backstabbing person, I just won’t say anything. Ever. That’s going to be really tough, because everyone gossips, and when you are a high school student, it’s almost inevitable.
But I’ve put it in writing now. So I’m going to try my very hardest not to talk about anyone negatively. Here we go…